Let me start with the question most frequently ask, by women about a man is; why hasn't he called?
Here are the most common reasons:
*He doesn't want to.
*First, he has to forget how crazy you were the last time he saw you.
*He never learn how to have a relationship.
*He doesn't know what to say.
*He doesn't feel in control of the situation.
*He is anticipating an outcome he doesn't want to face.
*He doesn't like where it seems to be heading.
*He's feeling managed, controlled, judged or smothered.
*He doesn't want to face a woman who has her own agenda and wants him to do,
be or say something; or else!
*He has to psych himself up to call you, for any number of reasons.
*He's angry and he's punishing you.
*He's figured you out and knows that you treat him better,
if you think you're losing him.
*He doesn't want and/or isn't grown-up enough for a relationship.
*He's not up to preforming or playing games.
*He only calls when he's looking for sex.
*Yes, he's got one or more other lovers.
*He'd rather be alone.
*He's got a life and you are not the center of it.
Get over it! Grow up and get a life of your own.
If you do you won't miss him and you'll be more attractive to him and to others. "Heaven forbid"! You might even lose interest in him!
*He's with his male friends.
(They are not your enemy in this. Avoid coming between a man and his friends)
*(Even if he loves you) He's busy as hell and couldn't find his back side with both hands.
A lovely church going Christian woman, called about a man who is getting a divorce. She is asking the most common question women ask about men; why hasn't he called? The specific reasons differ subtilely. In this case he couldn't tell her what she wanted to hear. He is ashamed and embarrassed that he hasn't done what she expects. Rather than lose her or disappoint her, he puts it off. In some cases that lasts forever.
In this case, a beautiful, spiritual woman wants him to to see the light. In answer to her prayers, the evil soon to be ex-wife will finally sign the divorce paper and set him free and he will come to her in Christ, fulfilling her prayers.
Consider the possibility that God has something better waiting for her.
A good prayer might be:
Help me to surrender to my highest good,
knowing it will bring my greatest peace.
Perhaps all prayer should end:
"for the highest good of all."
These prayers describe the essence of unconditional love.
Many women think that unconditional love is self-sacrifice. Some think it's putting up with any thing.
I believe the first step toward unconditional love is to except a persons current state of being. The most loving act maybe to not engage in interaction if it might be counter productive.
Like many of us, her pattern has been, to be the rescuer. If a relationship is entered into on the basis of what someone might become, you are trying to manipulate someone and control the outcome. This is fear based. Love and fear cannot co-exist.
The rescue pattern always gives you an out, if the relationship fails. You can tell yourself; He didn't live up to his potential. He changed. He was not, who you thought he was. Or, I couldn't save him, but I'll hold him in my prayers.
It was not his fault, if you only saw what you wanted to see! The failure on his part and yours; was the in ability or unwillingness to communicate as adults. That requires risk, trust, vulnerability and the possibility that you might not get what you think you want. You might not, or you might get something better.
In truth, how can anyone feel loved in a situation where he or she has to become something else, more or better, in order to prove their love for you. This kind of relationship is parent-child. It will never be happy or fulfilling. And forget about sex! What man wants to sleep with his mother. This can lead to cheating, impotence, coldness, name calling, resentment or even violence.
The majority of women I have talk to, fell in love with the mans "potential". That is to say, someone who doesn't exist and may never exist. This is why love at first sight, is such a silly notion. Accept the fact that is about sight. You like what you see. He fits your fantasy of the ideal person, who will fill your needs and in some way complete the picture you have of an ideal life, complete you. You are committing you self to stranger. How is that an improvement on, the mail-order bride or an arranged marriage. How many camels or other livestock do you think you might fetch?
Love is not a 2 hour movie with commercials telling you what lingerie to wear and what car he should be driving. It takes time to know someone. Anyone Who isn't willing to take the time is not ready for a relationship.
We train people what's appropriate in a relationship and how to treat us. That is a building process. Without a strong foundation a house will fall. Today we have a 50% divorce rate on first marriages. It goes up from there. So, why do so many want to marry? Eons of conditioning. The biological drive to procreate. Loneliness. Fear growing old alone. Proof that you're worthy of love. Not a reject from the society's conveyer belt of life.
In fact today many women around the world are choosing not to marry. Some choose to stay in dead end relationships, because they don't want to be alone. Actually the relationship keeps a space occupied so they don't have to risk that they may get into a less satisfying relationship. Hopefully the sex is good. You may think others may see you as loyal and faithful. You may think it looks like the next best thing to marriage.
Another phenomenon is the many women in long term affairs with married men. Add to the reasons just mention. The idea that she gives him something his wife can't which makes her superior to the idea of wife or marriage. It also allows her the freedom to leave at any time. She is free of the risk of being alone, trapped in a bad relationship or series of relationships which fail.
For many, even in the western world, the idea of marriage is like being in prison.
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This dear soul works diligently to advance her spiritual life, care for an elderly parent and maintain a business. She is in a relationship of a year and a half and calls because she is feeling a distance arise between them. He is in caretaker role with a dying mother and trouble teen. They are mutually interactive in one an others family life.
She is saddened, having spoken with about their situation, the night before. As with many of us, she focused on the sense of lose. In answer to sadness, speak only of the feeling of fulfillment you are seeking. Speak only in short, clear sentences. Focus only on what you want.
Example: "We need to separate this precious time we have together, from all our worries and take this time to replenish one another."
He has recently revealed that he and his estranged wife are only now dissolving their marriage. She was hurt that he was not truthful with her about his marital status.
What do you do with the hurt and possibly a sense of betrayal.
Stop! Before you speak; Where in you body do you feel the impact. What do you feel there? Shock? Hurt? That does not mean rant, accuse, belittle or punish. It does not allow you to shout or in any way be abusive. You need to be clear with yourself and clear it out of your system NOW!
Example: If you feel in in your gut or heart; place your hand there. take a deep slow breath into those areas. Take your time. Identify what you feeling. "This is a shock to my system. I feel like I've been punched in the gut and my heart hurts. I need to understand why you felt the need to withhold this information from me until now. That might help me put this behind me. Thank you for telling me now.
This is a non-blaming format:
When you_______________
I feel __________________
I need you to______________
So that I can______________
